Laptop lament

I don't know how I coped in the days before my laptop. I only decided to get the thing as a means of actually getting access to a computer as at the time Craig would hog the main PC literally allday everyday. Now he lives with my Dad again and I can now access my PC whenever I want so really there's no need to miss my laptop which I have lent to my other brother. Scott borrowed the laptop to entertain himself whilst he worked away from home last week. I should have it back by now but he's asked if he can borrow it a little longer as he's finding using his computer a little difficult as he can't grip the mouse properly at the mo.

In theory there's no reason why I should miss my laptop but I do, it's portable so I can work wherever I like (usually in bed), it's convenient (I tend to want to use it late at night/early in the morning and it's there right when I need it) and most of all I guess it's because it's mine.

The funny thing is over the last few days I've had a bit of difficulty sleeping, normally I would boot up my laptop and do something productive (or not so productive ie Facebook!) rather than waste time lieing in bed not sleeping. During this period of slumberlessness I have had a plethora of ideas flowing in my tiny brain and have found myself getting a little frustrated that I can't put these thoughts down into some electronic format be it a blog or just a few paragraphs of notes in Word. I did scribble a few pages of notes down in a small notepad which ideally I should be using but I seem to reject the idea and find myself just not writing anything down thinking if it's good enough I'll remember it in the morning. I suppose that's the danger of coming up with such thoughts when you're lieing in bed and of course the convenience of having a laptop computer to hand. Guess for now it's back to pen and paper and the trusty old PC to type up any subsequent scribblings.

The lost weekend

Up until Friday I was happily blogging at least one post a day then as usual Scott (brother) throws a spanner in the works! Firstly the kids were deposited on us for a whole weekend instead of just the obligatory Saturday night. Secondly as he's working away all week he decided it would be a good idea to borrow my laptop. Didn't think it would be so much of a problem as I still have the main PC but with my Mum being off sick it's not been as easy to get a few private minutes on the comp to put down my thoughts in electronic verse. Oh how I miss my laptop! Speaking of which it will now be costing me an extra fiver a month as I decided to take out insurance on it as I could see it going missing in Scott's care. Not that Scott is careless, I just don't feel safe it being out of the house. No doubt if it did go missing and I tried to make a claim the insurance brokers would say it's void as it wasn't in my possession at the time!!!

Also since I last blogged I've started reading Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman. I love Gaiman's work, ok technically this is the first of his books I've read but I did listen to an audiobook of The Graveyard Book (which he himself read out aloud) and I have seen Stardust and Coraline; all of which are beyond superb. Almost near the end, should have it finished in the next day or so then onto Stardust. :)

Just got back from the Dentist, third dentist I've had in a year! Original dentist left at the beginining of the year not sure what happened to the last one I saw. Got told off for not brushing twice a day. I always brush in the morning and try to brush at night but I tend to forget and it doesn't help that the bathroom is downstairs so if I do remember I usually can't be arsed getting out of bed and traipsing all the way down just to brush my teeth.

My other big news today is that I went for a job interview, can't believe I almost forgot about that! Job isn't permanent or full time and it's not even teaching but it's better than having to prove myself to people beneath me on a weekly basis. Interview actually went pretty well but I expect that someone with more admin experience will come along and pip me to it. Should find out tomorrow evening at the latest if I'm successful.

Money, money, money

Today's theme seems to be money. It started with a PayPal invoice, the direct debit I've had in place for a few years had to be cancelled the other month and this is the first time we've had the dilemma of paying for their services since. The solution was to put some money into a new bank account my Mum's opened then set up said account on PayPal and make an instant payment.

On my return I found the postman had been. Letter from the bank, token payment rejected etc etc. Also a bill from O2 for my broadband. Rang up and paid it.

Later went to the gym for spin and was informed that my direct debit failed, no suprises there seeing as I cancelled the old one. I did set up a new one the other week but they take around 2 weeks to clear so knew that this would happen, paid it anyway.

Today's been a pretty expensive day!

Purple haze all in my brain

This morning I woke up from the strangest dream. Even more disturbing was that I woke up around 7:30am and couldn't get back to sleep, maybe because I knew I had an appointment with the Doctor (a Doctor I should point out not THE DOCTOR, that would be very strange!) at 8:30am and that I was going to ask to be prescribed Citralopram as he suggested previously.

Anyway back to the dream. In a nutshell I was speaking to Helen face-to-face and she came right out and said that she'd asked my Dad to move in with her - this sentence is beyond ludicrous! For a start she barely knows him and she wouldn't ask someone to move in with her into the house she already shares with her sister.

Ridiculous statement aside it still upset me somewhat as it appears that even my sub-conscious is telling me there's no future in this relationship. :,(

Wishful Thinking

Maybe I was getting my hopes up yesterday. Thinking about it, you don't meet to catch up with somone that you're still interested in, you only really catch up with friends or maybe exs. She just wants to make sure I'm ok and to see if we can just stay friends.

I guess only time will tell.

Story of H as soundtracked by The Winchell Riots

 So I got a new Winchell song from Helen yesterday (the reason why she emailed me) and I thought I'd make a new CD compilation seeing as the one I have in the car seems to be scratched (also there's 3 songs below that aren't on it). It was originally just gonna be all (or as many of) the tracks I have thrown onto a CD and rearranged into some form of logical order but then I got thinking of H as I was doing that (as this is kind of 'our band' there's so many memories and emotions involved). From there it evolved into the story of the past 7 months. The results are as follows:

1) Red Square
2) Glasgow Space-flight
3) I'd Lower You Down
4) These Fires That You Know
5) Hymn 24
6) Love, The Great Olympic Sport

For those not familiar with the Winchell Riots: http://www.myspace.com/thewinchellriots

Mega LOLz

Two things have made me laugh recently

If Harry Potter was set in the 80s cartoon (click on the pic to magnify):

And Russell Howard's Marlon King chant:



Enjoy. :P

He wishes for the cloths of Heaven

Today has been a bit of a weird day, aside from watching two old Star Trek films in bed, the fog and finding a pen inside the hoover I kinda got my wish; a chance to see Helen again!

It was a little strange, there I was blogging about expectations and reality, I check my email and she's emailed me. The email was regarding an MP3 she'd obtained and was forwarding onto me. I said thanks and she replied telling me that she hadn't forgotten about the Elbow deluxe CD. I very cheekily asked if she was thinking of posting it or giving it to me in person (suggesting that she would probably do the former). Let's just say I was very shocked when she suggested we meet up for a catch up.

Best not hope for too much, don't want to confuse expectations with reality again!

Expectations/Reality

 

Whilst writing the last entry I was reminded of yet another scene from a movie! This time 500 Days of Summer, perhaps because this film reminded me so much of Helen when I first saw it.

For those that haven't seen it there's a great little scene where Tom goes to a party hosted by his "girlfriend" Summer. Like me Tom hadn't seen her for months and had spent the time inbetween pining after her. Going into the party, he has a grand idea of how it is all going to pan out with Summer basically embracing him and the couple reigniting their relationship. Of course this is far from the truth and is stylistically presented with the split screen you see above.

I guess my expectations come Christmas morning are that Helen will carefully unwrap the present, see what it is and begin to weep as she realises I still love her, am willing to give her this as a gift etc. She'll then call me telling me how silly I am and that she doesn't deserve to have it etc etc whilst still in tears over the phone. The next day (ie Boxing Day) there's a knock on the door and there she is, she hugs me and gives me the biggest kiss she's ever given anyone and the past 8 months are forgotten about in an instance.

The reality. She opens up her presents on Christmas Day and sends me a text just simply saying thanks for the present. That's if I receive a text from her at all.

From me to you

Last night/this morning I watched 'How To Lose Friends and Alienate People', I quite enjoyed it and although a little predictable at times I didn't think it deserved the mauling it got in the TV guide. I'd say at worse an  average film but quite good for a 'Brit Flick'.

Anyway the reason why I mentioned this is that there's a part in the film that reminded me of what I plan to give Helen for Christmas. Regardless of whether or not she still wants to see me I think she will appreciate the gift. It will also be the first Christmas gift I will have given her that she cannot possibly complain about the expense, though she will probably still tell me off over the sentimental value.

At this moment I won't give away what the present is just in case somehow she manages to find out via this blog but all I can say it's a little sentimental gift from me to her, something that we shared and still do share and most of all a piece of my heart. If she doesn't shed a tear when receiving it then she really doesn't care about me. I'm sure she will though. :)

Liquorice Allsorts

I'm writing this entry on the last possible minute (11:39pm) having completely forgotten about it all day, takes me back to my uni days only I put off doing assignments because I procrastinate. I also seem to excel when I have the pressure of doing said assignments on the last minute. I doubt this will be the case in this instance!

Firstly yesterday's events. Driving home from the gym I witnessed a traffic accident and rang for an ambulance. Didn't see the incident as I was a few cars back but it turns out it was a pensioner run down whilst crossing the road on his mobility scooter. Found out this morning that the poor fellow died.

Later that day I took my 4 year old nephew to see Fantastic Mr Fox. Couldn't remember the plot at all but a pretty good film so I'm guessing good adaptation.

Today's been a bit of a mixed bag. Watched the match, pretty good display just a shame we couldn't get a goal and in the end paid for it. Should've had a penalty though when John Terry tried to rip off Valencia's shirt!

McDs for tea, think I'm starting to prefer the Big Tasty (with bacon of course!) to Big Macs. No doubt with that statement, McDonalds will shortly remove the product from it's menu!

Stayed downstairs after tea and saw the pathetic excuse for entertainment that is X-Factor. So glad those twins went through, wound up so many people on Facebook. Obviously those twins don't wind up Cowell as much as he makes out!

And on the note I think I'd best stop there before it's me being voted out.

Christmas is coming and the geese are trying to lose fat

It seems to be that time of year again, Christmas adverts are dominating the tele, people are putting up decorations and lights (if they haven't done so already!) and almost everyone seems to be in a mad rush to lose weight before they can put it all back on again and some more over the party season/Christmas. The latter concerns me the most.

I've been going to the gym for over 4 years now and whilst people who have never seen a gym in their lives before suddenly flock in packs to their nearest one at this time of year I tend to loosen the reigns and spend more time doing other things, after all it's cold and dark all the time now and exercise is never the most enjoyable pursuit. However this year has seen a more concerted effort to get in shape.

It all started way back in February when my (then?) girlfriend Helen informed me that we'd been invited to a wedding in April. Hating the way I looked in my niece's christening photos in the one suit that still fitted me, I knew I had to do something to look and feel better. The result has been a loss of around 2 stone (I didn't start weighing myself til after the wedding and I've lost just over a stone since) and I now fit into all my suits (well the 2 I have here, Scott!) with room to spare!

Anyway the point of this little tale is that I started my journey way back in February as did most Christmas fatties who had suddenly felt the urge to join a gym following Christmas and New Year. Incidentally I have never spent much time away from the gym probably only 3 or 4 weeks at a time in the last few years. During January/February/March the gym must've seen a spike in memberships and as a result the place was always packed, not good when you're trying to lose weight but have to que up to use equipment! As Winter turned to spring and spring turned to summer, I started to see less and less people in the gym especially when it was hot outside (didn't help that the gym's air conditioning was repeatedly 'vandalised'!) but I stuck to it and was rewarded with my weight loss.

The success of my weight loss is mainly due to spin classes (as well as the amount I attend a week and the effort I put into it!). I tend to attend the evening classes (normally around 6pm or 6:15pm) and the Saturday morning classes. Recently I've found it hard to drag myself out of bed for the Saturday classes (as well as the Friday morning class), doesn't help when you have nothing to do during the day so tend to stay in bed til around 10am and have little to no motivation due to depressive state but in the last week or so I've been forcing myself to get up and go.

This morning was particularly difficult. I wasn't tired, I'd gotten to sleep at a decent time (after falling asleep watching Underworld Evolution) and had gotten up before 9am the previous morning to attend a spin class. The snooze was hit twice and it was 9am before I actually dragged myself out of bed. I was originally thinking of missing the first class and getting up for the second one (in my experience this usually means missing both of them!) but somehow I managed to get up, maybe it was the lack of trust I had in the courtesy brick (replacement phone) to wake me up again? Having lost 20 minutes and in an effort to save time, I got dressed for the gym at home rather than leaving it to the changing rooms. It worked, I got there 10 minutes before the start of the class.

This is where the fun begins. Due to a sudden increasing gym population of pre-Christmas fatties the spinning area was crammed. I managed to find a bike and got on only to find out after a few minutes that it was the exercise bike equivalent of a bouncy castle and spent the next 45 minutes trying not to bounce into the pre-Christmas fatties on either side of me.

It gets worse. The second class is normally a lot quieter, most of the first lot leave not being able to handle back to back classes to be replaced by far fewer numbers. I have no idea why the second class is always quieter, personally I'd rather have the extra hour in bed and attend the second class. Today the amount of PCFs (Pre-Christmas Fatties) was as many as the first class. I left my wobbly bike to fill up my water bottle and hope to find something with less shake, rattle and roll. No luck, there was one exercise bike left, I jumped on, shook it from side to side, all good so far. Checked the resistance, that was good too. Then I found the problem, this was the bike that had a broken seat adjuster and is a few inches too tall for me, or I'm a few inches too short to use it? With this is mind and having had already sweat a bucket or two load I called it a day.

Thought I'd relax in the steam room for a change, having giving it a miss for the past few weeks only to find it was out of order as was the main jacuzzi next to the swimming pool. There was only 4 people in the other jacuzzi so jumped in there for a while instead.

Whilst I'm annoyed at the fact that the gym can't handle this sudden influx of new customers (and let's be honest, this is just the start it'll be twice as busy next month!) I'm not at all surprised that equipment is damaged or out of order as I doubt Dave Whelan will care enough to do anything about it as long as he's still making money!

Just a Day

In short, today's been less eventful than yesterday. Apart from my little adventure at the Job Centre I've done little of any significance. Forced myself to get out of bed to go to the gym this morn then off to the Job Centre then home. I did think about going for a Burger King as I'd had nothing to eat at the time (11:40) but thought it would be much cheaper and healthier to go home and have some cereal. Didn't appease my appetite and I still thought about nippin out for a whopper, opted for a BLT wrap (home mad that is, with grilled bacon) instead. I did pop out for a bar of chocolate later though! Probably just as well I didn't go to Burger King as I was sent to the Chinese for tea.

Oldest of my younger brothers (maybe I should just say the middle brother?) is here tonight which gave me an excuse to sneak off upstairs and play my guitars. Yes that's guitars plural. Recently I've just played my strat but tonight I got the old Jim Reed out again. Wasn't too keen on the sound at first but got used to it after a bit. Think I still prefer Fenders though to humbucker guitars like my Jim Reed, Gibson, PRS etc. That's not to say that I'd ever part with my Jim Reed, variety is nice after-all.

Right now, I'm upstairs on my laptop watchin wrestling (Smackdown) and surfing t'internet. Watched a little of Underworld on Film Four earlier, couldn't remember what the film was about so it all came as a bit of a suprise. Maybe I should try and catch the end on Film Four +1.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit more stimulating. Not sure if Scott's kids are coming round or not as he's at work allday, probably! If they do it may effect when I write the next blog post as I'll most likely have Bailey bouncing on my head til about 11pm!

First things first, I have to get my arse out of bed before 9am tomorrow for double spin (need to burn off that Chinese I had for tea!) so I'd best get off to bed. Night all.

Job Centre rant

I promise I'll write a proper blog entry later, I just need to get this out of my system first. I really, really, really hate the Job Centre. Not only is the place the most miserable place on Earth, full of smackheads, thieves and inbreds but you're treated like scum from the moment you enter the place til the moment you leave. The job search machines are pathetic and the website isn't much better for finding work (that's when it doesn't transfer you to another website!).

The thing that's annoyed me today is the amount of time I was forced to wait in the hole for someone to interrogate me, sorry see me. I was supposed to be seen between 11:05 and 11:20. Got there for 10:55 and was finally seen at 11:30!

This is just the latest thing to annoy me, a few weeks ago I attended a back to work interview (the day after spending the day being violently sick) and was told that I might as well give up the idea of teaching as a career as there's School Teachers and University Lecturers that could fill the gap between school and uni negating my skills as a College Lecturer redundant. The day after, I was told that I now have to sign on weekly at different times and that this was to catch people (insinuating me) out that are working and claiming benefits. Presumably if I could manage to come in every other Friday, I wouldn't be workin Fridays or am able to get some time off which I could always change on a weekly basis. Dumbasses!

Oh well, it's done for another week now. Speakin of which I have to be there at 10:45 next week. I'm still going to go to the spin class at 09:30 as I'm getting into town for 10:40. If I'm a few min late it will make up for the time I was forced to wait today!

Behind the door in the drawing room

Last night went by without any incidents. I was quite withdrawn, anxious and restrained but I got through it ok. Last night was also the first time I'd seen my Mum since Monday night, I'd spoken to her Tuesday afternoon and mentioned taking the oven to pieces, cleaning it and putting it back together, I guess I expected to be complimented on my work but that didn't happen and here ends all talk on the subject otherwise I'll start coming up with more thinking errors.

Today I managed to sleep in til around 12.15pm, mainly due to having 3hrs sleep the previous night. Guinness had helped me get to sleep pretty quickly Tuesday night but something had woken me up 3hrs later and I couldn't get back to sleep so by last night I was pretty much FUBAR'd! I tried to force myself to stay awake but it was no good, fell asleep part way through True Blood (good job I've seen them all online already!), woke up, turned the tele off and didn't re-awake til the phone rang at 12:15pm. Twelve hours sleep, bet I can't do that again tonight! Not that I can afford to anyway as I have to go to the joke shop (aka job centre) tomorrow morning. Whopee.

Since awakening this afternoon I haven't really done anything of any real significance. Picked up the post, usual threatening letters from the bank and a template from National Debtline (who have been a Godsend and if I ever make it as a musician or any other profession where I'm pretty much made for life, I'll donate heavily to them as my chosen charity!). Adapted the letter to all my creditors, didn't have enough stamps so went into town. Post Office was completely dead, at one point apart from the staff I was the only one in there, no wonder the lady behind the desk was so obliging, she was probably bored off her tits!

From there I drifted towards the library, I knew they didn't have any books in that I wanted as I'd already checked online but thought I may as well check the jobs pages in the local papers (as Thursday seems to be jobs day) so I can at least say I've made some attempt to find work today. Nothing to report as usual. From there I floated off to the O2 shop where I handed in my phone for repair as well as a £25 deposit for a courtesy phone which incidentally looks pretty much the same as the one I had around 4 years ago! O2 guy said it should be back within 7 days so at least I shouldn't have to use this brick enough to get used to it.

After leaving the bleak and ostentatiously titled Grand Arcade, I opted to try the other library. I recently discovered that amongst the libraries in the Wigan borough that I have access to is a second town centre library which is geared towards children's and teen literature. As Neil Gaiman's work is classed as just that and I'd checked on the online reference that they had his books there I felt obliged to check it out, after all what else am I gonna do and whilst in Rome (or at least the old Roman fort Coccium - and just as I tried Googling that reference my internet connection dies!). Speaking of Neil Gaiman, I felt like I was in Coraline’s surreal world, dark skies, empty post office, rain and now the sight of a BBC live broadcast van and a flu jab bus within 50m of each other. I found the children’s library easily enough and despite the help of the staff, one girl I recognised from the local music scene (and have actually seen her perform although I don’t really know her), I left empty handed.

With yet another failure I decided to call it a day. Just had my dinner, which was probably more than I anticipated at first and am now just killing time before I go to the gym. Planning to weigh myself for the first time in 3 weeks (due to illness and family interrupting my routine), another thing to disappoint me – or perhaps cheer me up? Can’t believe it’s Thursday night already! Guess that’s what happens when you’re not living for the weekend. I really should book another doctors appointment though as I agreed to return and check on my progress within a week, two weeks at the most.

Oh before I forget two quick bits of news. Firstly I have a job interview with the NHS, it’s not a teaching job, it’s not permanent and it’s not even full time but given my current circumstances I can either continue on the dole or be some use to society. I just have to figure out what to do with the extra income otherwise the debt relief order (when it finally becomes active) will be void. Second nugget of news and probably something that I’m building up too much, Helen text me last night with a pic of the new version of Asleep in the Back which she’d bought (just as well she didn’t text me today as I doubt this shitty courtesy phone could receive MMS messages!) and asked if I wanted a copy. This could be a chance to meet up but I’m guessing she’d probably just post it out to me instead. At least she contacted me in the first instance so not all that bad.

Always good to end on (some kind of) a good note I suppose, adios til tomorrow (I should really spend this spell of nothingness to learn Spanish).

Test of Strength

My brother and his family will be here very very shortly, last week I inadvertedly let slip what he had bought his fiance for Christmas. I had no idea it was a Christmas present and that it was a secret as he had cocked up on the gig date (it was for 2010 not 2009). After they'd left I got an ear-full from my Mum, I exploded due to a few thinking errors eg not trusted, reject kid/outsider due to being the product of a failed marriage etc etc and went off upstairs to sulk. It was then that I started posting silly messages on Facebook (something else that got me into trouble!) which lead to the realisation that I need to see a Doctor and find out if I am actually suffering from depression or not.

So as you can guess I'm not looking forward to tonight. I'm already thinking that he hates me after last week's outburst.

Be definitely a test of strength/character to get through tonight without thinking or saying things that have no basis in reality and are just wrong conclusions on my part based on thinking errors yet again.

Day One

Ok so first off it isn't strictly day one as that would've probably been Friday but I haven't been up to bloogging. That of course will change as I've decided that I need to start blogging on a daily basis. I did like the sound of day one as it's a definite start, a beginning.

Firstly after a trip to the Doctors on Friday I was diagnosed with depression (rated just above moderate severe on the scale). Doctor was pretty good and instead of just sticking me on anti-depressants he went through the options and as I wasn't over keen on taking pills to sort it he's given me information on the drug he'd prescribe and given me time to think it over. He also pointed me in the direction of a website that deals with depression in the local area and suggested counselling as an option. Put my name down for counselling but haven't heard anything about that yet.

After looking at the website I found that something called 'thinking errors' began to ring true with me. Seems the way I think isn't always right! Have to admit that I do jump to conclusions and since I read the info on the site I've probably experienced two or three examples of this in action. The good thing is I now seem to be dealing with these situations much better, I'm still thinking wrong but I've not took it out on others (instead I'm just torturing myself!).

I guess it's something I'll have to learn to control. In the meantime I have to decide whether or not to start taking anti-depressants. I don't like the idea of being able to change my mood with a pill (not to mention the side effects) but it might have to be something I have to do to improve my interactions with others. I'm also worried it could change my personality. I think at this point I am very much undecided but swaying to not taking them at the mo. I need to consult my Doctor, I need to ask him if it would/could change my personality and will it stop or suppress 'thinking errors' occuring.